captivating emotions

its so scary how things can captivate you.
a place, a song, a written sentence, a scent.
it can knock you out of control in a way that almost feels supernatural.
feelings can just rise and you didnt even have time to think about whether you wanted feelings to rise or not. it is as if your emotions start to control you.
and that is a scary thought.
because who are your emotions?
if you are you, and you feel like you are not in control of yourself, then what is?
an emotion is not a person with an intellectual brain.. so how does it manage to control you?
is it possible to be in control of your emotions? if you are then your emotions cant really be real, they would be fake, cause they would just be whatever you are telling yourself to feel.
i find this very interesting.
i think its easy to listen to your emotions too much. because we dont want to feel fake. and to diregard emotions makes us feel fake, doesnt it?
but, all our emotions are not really good, justified or true.
sometimes we feel things one minute and not the next.
say that i feel like running one moment. and then five minutes later i dont feel like it anymore. does that mean that the first feeling was wrong and that i shouldnt have listened to it?
im assuming this is where our judgement comes into the picture. and our analytical thinking.
because if i wouldve used my judgement and analytical thinking i wouldve ignored the first feeling to run. i wouldve thought "it will pass".
and all throughout the day we actually do diregard emotions and feelings. because sometimes it is healthy for us to do so.
if you let yourself feel too much and listen too much to your emotions you will seem weird and inconsistent. at least i would.
so we choose.
we choose which feelings to grab hold of and build on.

kindergarden

måndag.
waking up to a phone call is a good thing. it means ive got work for the day.
today that meant the kidnergarden that i went to myself about 15 years ago.
but before i was off i managed to catch rebekah abreu and sara atterfelt on skype!
i miss them so much, it was like coming alive in a strange sort of way.
i really do miss sydney, in more ways than one.
after our skypecall i walked to the kindergarden.
the ultimate challenge was the lunchbreak.
one kid had a snot/butter mustache and talked about wetting the bed.
another kid was making "ghostmilk" by mixing milk and water.
another one was eating pure onion sauce with a fork.
and as soon as i stood up i noticed that someone must have spilled potatoes on the floor because it was now smeared into my black sock.
but hey, they kids were kind of cute.
the rest of the evening was spent planning the summer.
i wonder what delicious challenges tomorrow will bring.
love beck

fashion show

torsdag.
i woke up to the lovely robot tone from my iPhone.
art teacher at my old high school (junior).
the rain was pouring so i woke my brother up and he drove me.
interesting classes and students.
when i went to get my bike and go home i had a flat tire. and not just one. two.
so i walked home with my bike and listened to the viva la vida album. it's been a while. you know when an album comes out during an emotional time in your life and it gets stored into the album.. that's how i feel about that album.
when i got to the long allé of trees leading to my nieghbourhood i had to stop. it was so beautiful in the spring sun.
i was home for a bit and then got a longboard to go to the city and meet linda.
kind of didnt pick the best shoes, or outfit to go with the board. people were staring. leggings and leathershoes. i dont blame them. but i didnt have a bike.
i met up with linda at a restaurant/café. then we went to church to fix some stuff for the stage design for the conference in my church this weekend.
we did as much as we had time for and then left to be in time for the fashion show.
the fashion show was for a design/fabric school at my old high school (senior). haven't been there for so long. since my graduation i think. lots of memories.
i had a friend that was graduating from the fashion school and she showed her clothes.
when i got home i called freddy. we talked for a bit and then he had to go cause he was driving to tampa for his interview with the swedish embassy!
im praying all goes well..
love beck

skogshyddan

tisdag.
today was a journey in time.
i woke up and had breakfast with half the band before they went for rehearsal.
my brother on crutches.
then i went up in the attic. wow.
stuff everywhere!
old school stuff. old clothes. stuffed animals. a drumset. vhs tapes.
i got hold of the vhs tape i was looking for. Kalle Blomkvist.
then my grandpa ernst came to pick me up.
we talked and had fika for the rest of the afternoon.
i found old photoalbums from the 1800's and he didnt even know who was in the pictures.
he drove me home and then my friends came to pick me up.
klara, linda and sara.
klara and linda were in wetsuits and wanted to go in the water. freeezing.
but we went and i took some pictures.
we went to the place where i will be working as a youthpastor this summer.
its a big café with minigolf, a soccer field, a bechvolley spot, a beach and a great newly build auditorium. gorgeous.
ill even have my own office and ive started to look at lighting possibilities for the aud.
after they went into the water we got fika at the café. ice cream and coffee.
we sat for like an hour just hanging out.
then we went to get the VHS tape with and old astrid lindgren movie (author of pippi longstocking). Kalle Blomkvist. the soundtrack is amazing.
we picked up some McDonalds on the way, the only fastfood restaurant there is in my town.
had a great night.
talked to freddy when i got home. he got an interview with the swedish embassy! so excited. one step closser to him coming here.
love beck

a wedding in a castle

lördag.
since we have been renovating our kitchen for the past few days, breakfast got very interesting.
however it is looking perfectly splendid. or it will.
i started the day with a 30min drive to go see my dear friend ida. we went to high school together and she has now left the country side for stockholm. but this weekend she was back home.
we had a great time talking and looking at pictures from graduation.
i drove back home and picked up my younger brother.
another 30min drive later we found ourselves in front of a big white castle.
it had been there for hundereds of years and on this particular day we were attending a wedding at this beautiful historical spot.
it is located on an island in swedens biggest lake, north of my city.
it was a beautiful wedding and it was about time i got some kind of idea of what a swedish wedding looks like.
all the weddings here seemed to have happened while i was in sydney.
the evening was perfectly spent with my older brother.
we longboarded in the city and rented a movie.
on the way home i truly felt like i was at home for the first time since ive been back.
we were boarding home the same way that i used to bike to school everyday and when we went past the forest i caught the smell of fresh scandinavian spring forest.
after the movie i started to do some last minute editing for my promo video for the summer.
i am showing it at the service tomorrow.

lidköping

today we had a picnic in the city.
nice spring day, but dont let the sun fool you. it was still cold.
we also paid a visit to the museum and had som fika.
smalltown stuff.

swedish sunset

it's been quite a splendid day.
i met up with sara b for lunch at bakgår'n. i think i liked larssons skafferi better.
we had some nice chats and proceeded to "do the city". göra stan.
this consists of visiting all the big and important stores in our little town.
when we were done (about an hour) i met up with my mom and my younger brother.
we were gonna go shopping for clothes for him for graduation.
we went to hennings. and we got some top noch assistance.
i learned a lot.
my brother ended up getting a tiger of sweden suit.
tiger was founded in 1903 and the guys grandma was one of their first seamstresses.
the name comes from one of the founders who couldn't say "tyger" (means fabric in swedish) but instead said tiger. which would be tyger with a stockholm accent.
for you readers located in sydney you can actually get hold of some tiger of sweden clothes at somedays on bourke/fitzroy in surry hills.
i also learned that you are NEVER to button all the buttons on your suit jacket. you ALWAYS leave the bottom one open.
you should also never wear a bowtie that you dont tie yourself. its not classy and you miss out on being cool and loosen your bowtie whenever an opportunity is provided. just to show everyone that you tied it yourself.
as far as matching your date goes, just dont bother. if absolutely necessary you can wear a handkerchief in matching colour in your breast pocket.
on to other things..
i biked to my grandpas house and had yet another fika. exquisite.
when i got home i went for a walk with my camera in my neighbourhood just as the sun was setting.
when i got home i had evening fika with my dad.
hot chocolate, boiled eggs and corn dogs.
the cats got excited when i started feeding them from my corn.
i have just finished skyping with my amazing fiancè and im ready for bed.

afternoon sun

lördag.
its dark outside. lots of stars.
i just got home from a hangout with my friends out in the country in a big house.
such a nice porch going around the house and i got some great pictures as the sun was setting.
nights like these i am so happy to be back in sweden.
earlier today i was preparing for tomorrow. im preaching at one of the night services tomorrow.
very excited. but kind of nervous. i havent preached since last times i was home, two years ago.
freddy wanted to be on skype and listen. but i realized that he wouldnt understand anything of what i was saying since it would be in swedish. it was a weird feeling to realize that.
but soon enough...
yesterday freddy met two of my friends, charlotte and evelina on skype.