decisions

söndag.
sometimes the aftermatch can be more difficult than the match because that's when you are left to deal with things yourself.
the match decides the aftermatch. but the aftermatch decides the ending. or at least how to best proceed.
it is the same with decisions.
you can make a decision pretty easily. but the hard part is to stick with the decision.
i used to think that the hard part was to make a decision. but l have come to realize that its the sticking to it part that is the hard part.
some decisions you make once, but then in order to stick with them you have to make new decisions everyday.
i choose once to give my life to christ. but i choose everyday to follow him and keep on walking. otherwise i would be standing still.
like accepting things. i choose once to want to accept it. but still everyday i have to make decisions in order to keep accepting it.
of course there are a few decisions you make once with the small decisions in mind. like marriage. you say I do once and that time you mean I do for all the coming days as well. so you include all the coming decisions into one decisions.
but with most things in life its not like that. you have to keep on choosing. and that is how you everyday choose who you want to be. you dont just make a few decisions. who you are is in your everyday decision.
making big decisions like i wanna be more humble and i want to be more loving and see people is fairly easy and inspiring to make decisions like that, but its in your everyday that you can actually see if those decisions are being followed through.

midsummer

fredag.
midsummer. a swedish holiday marking the middle of the summer (which its not by the way) celebrated to make the ground more fertile (by dancing around an upside down penis) and yet another excuse for swedes to get drunk and eat raw fish.
yep that pretty much sums it up.
it was fun though.
pictures will display the joy in which we were able to partake in as the beautiful sun warmed our fair scandinavian skin and the dust was swirling around our feet on the dirtroads leading up to the big white castle which was founded in the 1600's.
amazing to talk to mel, sara and freddy this morning. (all at seperate times).
just like always a part of me came to life again.
ive been looking at schools today and i found a really great one with stageproduction and lighting/sound design. 3yrs in malmö.

if he was gone

torsdag.
wow. today i have struggled and fought with a feeling i have never really fully experienced before.
what would i do if freddy was gone? aka: what would you do if your someone was gone?
If you got a phonecall all of a sudden and the person in question no longer exist.
just battling with the idea was more than i could handle.
but at the same time i realized that i cant just ignore this feeling and this question. it is something that i need to work with and figure out.
we take life and love for granted. we can say until we are blue in the face that we dont. but we do.
what if we would treat every conversation as the last?
im not saying we should, im just toying with the idea.
everytime today (and there were many times) that i thought of loosing him i got teary eyed and sunk myself deep into the thought only to not be able to cope with it and try to come up for air again and try to forget the whole thing.
but what if it would happen? what would i do?
and i dont mean as in the next year, cause its pretty obvious you would need time to bounce back. but how would it change my life and what i live for?
obviously i can never fully know until that was to happen. but its not a bad idea to still figure out what i would do. because that tells me what i put my trust in and build my life upon.
how would my faith change? and everything else?

a different kind of life

tisdag.
what is worth living for?
think your day through.
did you put any time towards any of those things?

pier preassure

söndag.
today has been a very good day.
around noon we (my little bro, my mom and evelina) left and followed kadawatha to got to gothenburg.
after a bit of a drive-around (gothenburg is the worst city in the world when it comes to traffic) we managed to get to the right place and got our passes and dropped of gear and stuff.
me and my brother were crew members with the band. i was doing lights and little bro took pictures/filmed.
amazing catering. not so amazing toilets. bajemaja.
pier preassure is a one-day-festival. the headliners this year was paramore, 30 seconds to mars and him.
i went over to have a look at the lighting desk after loading out all the gear.
hm, never seen anything like it before. i talked to the guy and we decided that i would operate one half of the board (all blinders and parcans) and that he would do the movers. we did some programming during soundcheck, i told him colours and stuff. turned out really great. i have missed doing lights so much.
when we went to get dinner with the band we met the drummer and one of the guitarists in paramore. they know kadawatha since kadawatha is opening for them on their us tour that beginns in a month. so we got paramore backstage passes and got to stand on the stage to the side for the concert. fun!
paramore surprised me. ive tried to listen to them a few times but its never really stuck with me. but after seeing them live it will feel different. they had so much energy. positive energy and a good feeling about them. great live too!
just got home and im ready for bed.
haha, my english is slipping away a bit.it doesnt really have a flow anymore.
freddy, get here quickly!
love beck

ligthing

lördag.
Oh how i miss doing lights.
my creative nerve felt too overflowing when i went there for some lighting inspiration yesterday.
im glad i can share this with jana. she understands competely how i feel.
how do you go from like five services a week to none? to not even having a lighting desk.
anyway. this sunday i will have a creative outlet. pier preassure with kadawatha.
it will be glorious to once again enter the world of gobos and colour.
the world where colours make sense and the movements expresses the course of the music.
where timing and feeling is everything and you project the notes in a way that makes people not just hear but also feel the music.
even words like dmx, patching and dimrack makes the creative nerve spill over a little bit.
i could write about this for a very long time but i doubt it will fall many people's interest.
the week had been great.
on tuesday i changed diapers for the first time at kindergarten.
on wednesday my dad turned 44 and i won the minigolf tournament.
on thursday the girls went out for breakfast at café 3b. beats sonoma with a good bit. however single-o's poached eggs and lattes are still at the top.
café 3b was great though, and so much fun with the girls.
i used to eat breakfast out all the time in sydney. either that or skip.
nothing like a morning off to head down crown, eat at 485 and flip through the papers and books at paper 2. sit down and write about life and love.
anyway, today is a beautiful summer day in sweden. and i will make the most out of it.
love beck

united and graduation

fredag.
the last few days have blurred together into one long day.
my uncle picked me up thurs morning at the airport in sthlm and i got a few hours at their house before heading towards sthlm city.
i got to cirkus around 2.30pm just as the band (hillsong united) was soundchecking.
met up with ian and some people for a bit. great to see some sydney faces again!
then i met up with michaela and later i met up with linn. then i headed back to cirkus for the concert at 7pm.
i sat with elsa. great to see her again.
the concert was great. not as great as it is in sydney but definitely a taste.
they played mostly old songs. like look to you, all i need is you, hosanna, mighty to save etc.
after the concert we got into the car and started the 4h ride back home.
i arrived in lidköping 3am friday morning and finally got to go to bed for the first time since the few hours tues night before i left.
i got woken up by a worried freddy. i had forgotten to call him to let him know i had gotten home alright.
good thing i got woken up though cause i could wake my graduating little brother up, who had slept through his alarm.
i gave him a ride to the bus station and then got a few hours more sleep.
and this is where today starts.
we went to my brothers school around noon to watch them run out. and then a whole series of hundred year old traditions started.
we went home to prepare the graduation party.
i would estimate the numbers of guests to about 120 throughout the afternoon/night.
my brother has now gone back to his highschool town for a graduation party with all the graduates in his year.
i cant believe its been three years since i graduated.
im now so tired. the nights between mon-tue is the last time i got more than 5h of sleep in a row.
it is so good to be home. so good.
i love home.

sthlm

torsdag.
back in stockholm. sitting in my aunt and uncles kitchen. i dont know how to thank them enough for their hospitality. amazing people.
the flight was long. i left freddys house at 2.30am on wednesday morning. and i landed at 7.30am thursday morning. yum.
the office season 1 has been entertaining me on the layovers. clockpure, as a sweed would say.
i think flying is like coffee, acquired taste. of course its never something you look forward too but it gets easier. and you learn how to do it and how to make the time into something useful.
i used to hate it. if you take away the planefood and the worrying its actually quite alright.
im gonna land here for a few hours and then head to circus where united is playing tonight.
meeting up with ian before. lighting operator.
i miss freddy.
but im glad to be on scandinavian ground. i was choking on the humidity over there.
now we are just waiting for his visa to go through.
the last few days have been great in so many different ways.
love beck

panama city

söndag.
woke up with stupid allergies, so we didnt go to church. wanted to check it out but oh well.
got in the convertible once i started feeling better and headed towards panama city, florida.
its about 1,5h drive.
we stopped by at a flee market. you could get brass knuckles and knifes for like $5. and the kid behind the counter was like 9 years old.
ive only been here for a few days and i already miss sweden. as a country that is. i love seeing freddy and everything. but having been home for a while i realize how amazing sweden is.
and i miss the wonderful scandinavian air.
we got to panama city beach round 1pm. the water was oil free (so far) and pretty warm. we laid out in the sun for a while and then went for a walk on the beach.
it was refreshing and relaxing.
then we drove back and stopped at hollys house in dothan and i got to see my favourite six year old ella.
she is so beautiful and i love listening to her.
we went for dinner at outback steakhouse and she turns to me during dinner and says in her cute country accent:
now remember that the key to marriage is to know what house you wanna live in.
there is a lot to learn from that girl.
after dinner we drove home to echo and the farm.
now im gonna go to bed.
love beck

alabama

lördag.
what a glorious day.
humidity and crickets in the air.
i woke up at 6.30 and could not sleep any longer. thats what you get after a 20h flight (with all the layovers).
so i went down to wake freddy up, selfish as i am.
we made fruitsalad and sat on the porch looking out over the land. even though it was so early i was sitting comfortably in just shorts and a t-shirt.
we drove in to dothan to a little market and saw holly and her boyrfriend and freddys mom kelly.
bought some corn on a cob. turned out later that they were disgusting with caterpillars all over them. yuck.
so we grilled some steak and lay in the pool for a while.
then i fell asleep and has been really tired ever since. i usually dont have a lot of problems with jetlag and switching timezones. but this time i did.
in the evening freddy took me out.
we got blankets and pillows in the back of the red jeep and drove to a drive-in movie theatre.
on the way we picked up some taco bell.
we parked backwards and watched the movie through the back trunk.
the movie was called killler. a new movie with ashton kutcher and izzie from greys anatomy.
i wish i could tell you if it was good or bad. but i fell asleep. i think i wouldve liked the movie.
now im getting ready for bed.
so good to be back here in the deep south.
love beck

saleby

prästkrage


saleby church, seen from the schoolyard.

my alltime favourite cake, princess cake

cute little ducklings.

tisdag.
there was no room for feeling blue, mellow or sad this morning.
the beautiful spring sunshine shone its warm, beautiful and piercing rays into every courner of my heart as i drove the 20 minutes to the school.
today i was working in a class with 3-4 graders at the "farmer school" (all the farmer kids go there).
i liked it so much more than any city school. they were attentive and obedient yet still full of life and personality.
the drive there was breathtaking. green and yellow fields, blazing sun and a river full of life.
the afternoon was spent at the "youthcouncil". we have a council at church concerning the youth department. i was talking about the summer plans and i got a budget to buy lighting equipment.
today was one of those days when my feelings and thoughts didnt stand a chance against the weather. i couldnt help but get inspired and filled with joy.
life is good.
love beck